Thursday, January 15, 2015

My Ah Ha Moment That Was Misundersood

So, I wrote a post a few days ago, and I deleted it 90 minutes after I posted it. Apparently, in that 90 minutes, I think every possible person that reads my blog, read it and it concerned everybody, except my Dad.

I wish I would've kept it, but I hit delete and it's gone in cyberspace, never to be seen again.

Here's what happened in case you missed it, and I'll try to explain myself better.

I was talking about my kids and how they do things half ass in school, etc and how it drives me crazy. That post is still up, you can read it. I was just like my kids when I was a kid. They could get 100% in every subject, but they don't want to do the work. They are cool with a 94% or 88% if it means less work and effort.

Then, I'm picking them up from school and realized, I'm still like that. I do so many things half ass because I'm either too lazy or it just isn't that important. Last weekend, it rained the entire weekend and we did absolutely nothing. I was reading Gone Girl on my new kindle and instead of just enjoying the lazy day, I thought about all the things I should be doing, but wasn't. It was this internal struggle all weekend...the toilets need to be cleaned, oh, but this book is so good. Just one more chapter...the laundry is waiting.

I went on to talk about maybe 10 things that I don't do as well as I could. I wasn't ripping on myself, or at least I didn't think so. I was pointing out areas that I feel I could work on and that it bothers me that I don't do anything about it, like my messy house or lack of desire to exercise.

For example, I get ready in about 5 minutes. Hair, make up, clothes. I don't put a lot of effort in to it. I think I should. I beat myself up that I get a hair cut once a year. I should put more effort into my make up instead of being good with just some powder, mascara and lip gloss. My friends all take more time to get ready and get hair cuts every 6 weeks. I must be lazier than all of them. But, what I finally realized, and this was my huge ah ah moment, was that none of it matters.

I don't mean that I let myself go. I don't think that at all. I can get ready in 5 minutes, and I still look great. I don't spend more than 60 seconds on my hair because I don't need to. My hair has always been fabulous. Seriously, long or short, curly or straight...I have great hair. I wasn't ripping on myself because I don't spend more time to look like a stepford wife. I was trying to say that I always think I should put in more effort, and I've finally realized that it doesn't matter. In the grand scheme, it doesn't matter if I put my hair in a bun for five days straight. Seriously, let it go. We all do things half ass for some reason or another and it's not a big deal. My reason is typically that I need to get my kids ready for school, make them breakfast and pack their lunch. They will remember that I did that for them every day. They will not remember that my hair was in a bun while doing it.

I felt so good about my ah ha moment. Gone, are the days of beating myself up for what I should or could be doing better. I'm a fabulous mother and a wonderful wife. I run this house. I was sick recently for 10 days and let me tell you, things were falling apart in 24 hours. Could I do some things better in the wife, mother and personal growth areas? Of course! But, who can't? If someone can't sit and list 10 things they could be doing better, than they need a reality check. My whole point of my ah ha moment was sometimes I get hung up on those things and it gets to me, like really gets to me. I finally got that I need to let it go.

Ben's room is always a pit. Well, maybe it's not that bad, but it's cluttered. I walk in and this wave of panic comes over me like I need to start cleaning it immediately. I realized, it doesn't matter. He loves his room. He plays hard in his room. It's a mess because his imagination runneth over. And who am I to stifle that? It's his room. It's a pit. Shut the door and let it go. I finally got it. 10 years from now, when my kids are gone, I won't care or probably even remember that his room was a pit. I'll long for the days when I would be in the kitchen making dinner and I could hear him down the hall in his room having the time of his life.

Emily doesn't get excited about going to piano. I used to feel like she should, like she should get super excited about going or we are just wasting our time and money. But, you know what? She goes every week. She practices some, and she is progressing. Why do I get in a fight with her every Monday about how I feel she should be acting as we leave for piano? It's stupid. She goes, she plays, she likes it. I would never force my kids to do anything. So, take a chill pill Gina and just let her be her. If she seems like she puts a half ass effort into it sometimes, who cares? Seriously. She's not going to be Beethoven. I'm just proud that she has come so far and I hope she continues with it. I'm so impressed when she just sits down and starts playing a new song. She rocks! I need to embrace that about her, not bitch and feel deflated because she's not as excited as I think she needs to be. I need to let it go. Gosh, this feel great!

I don't know how to work my camera? My garden is a mess? Yep, no big deal. It's been in the back of my mind for 6 years that I should improve in those areas. It obviously isn't that important to me. I take nice pictures and I can only grow 500 tomatoes, nothing else grows. I'm golden. Heck, I have more tomatoes than I what to do with, and I don't even like tomatoes.

So, that was my whole point. I'm not saying my kids should strive for a life of doing things half ass and living a life of mediocracy. My whole ah ha moment was simply that it doesn't matter. The little things that I obsess over and beat myself up about, and literally let ruin my day sometimes, are just not important in the grand scheme. I was so happy. It felt so liberating.

But, David came home and read my post and took it that I was ripping on myself and he didn't agree with any of it. I was shocked. That wasn't what I meant at all. Everything I wrote was 100% honest. I didn't list all my great qualities because that wasn't what it was about. It was about my flaws and how I finally get that I don't need to worry about it. But, I'm happy that my husband read all my flaws and said he doesn't see me that way at all. I'm glad he looks at me and sees his beautiful, smart, funny wife. I would be miserable if he saw my flaws first. But, we all have flaws. We just don't normally list them all on a page for the world to read, and he didn't like it. So, I deleted it.

My best friend read it and sent me a text wondering if I was okay. Alright, nobody is understanding me. She sees all the good in me too! Not a bad thing. Since then, I feel like everybody who read it thinks I'm depressed and I'm touched by all the concern, but honestly, I am not depressed. I wasn't writing it out of a place of sadness. I was honestly so happy; until I got feedback and realized that nobody got it. My Dad got it though. He laughed and said that it's good that I've learned to not sweat the small stuff. Right on Pops!

David and I had our go rounds about it and I'm losing sleep over it. He thought I must be down on myself and he's lined up a date day for us this weekend and got a sitter for the kids. Really? I should be misunderstood more often! But, it just made me more frustrated that nobody understood me. I just wanted to scream from the mountains that it's okay to not accomplish everything you think you should, and that I shouldn't beat my kids up for being kids. Truly, it's unrealistic. I've let it go, and I felt like a huge weight was lifted. But, nobody heard me, or they heard me, but didn't get what I was saying. If my husband and best friend of 26 years didn't get it, then, I obviously didn't do a good enough job of explaining it. They know me better than anybody. But, hopefully, everyone gets it now. The toilets will obviously get cleaned and the clothes will get folded. I just don't need to punish myself if it doesn't happen exactly when or how I think it should.

With all that said, I'm not depressed, I'm not sad. I just finally realized that I was looking at everything all wrong and that the cold never bothered me anyway.


Piper AndTheKids said...

Your ah ha moment post is still up in my blog reader so I pulled it up to read it and I'm pretty sure you are living in my head ;-) Most of your list is the same things I skate by in because they just aren't a priority so I'm not wasting more effort than I have to! That time is spent elsewhere :)

Linda said...

I totally get it and good for you!!!

I need to comment more about your entire post because there are so many things I can relate with. #1, I rarely ever get my hair cut. I'm a once-a-year girl if that. Honestly, until I started going with Sarah on a more regular basis it had literally been years since I had my hair cut and my hair isn't like yours, it doesn't grow much at all, but no one has ever said I didn't look nice, so who cares. There are so many things like that, that other women seem to do so often or make so important, that I don't do and oh well. :)

I'm getting ready to leave for a class this morning, so I can't really write more now, but I'll probably write you an email later. I did want to say that I never thought your original post said anything about your kids doing things half-ass. The contrary, I took it as those things came easily for them (and for you when you were in school). Nothing wrong with that! :D

I'll share more with you later but I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate this post and I don't view it as "depressed" or anything. Just a "being real" moment (which I think you always do anyway and that's great).

Love, Linda